It's high time I was a highly paid consultant

       

From January, 2006

One of the strangest news items I picked up on this past month was a tidbit noting that Michael Brown is now a highly-paid consultant.

  Who's Michael Brown? Think hard now. Who was the most maligned, made-fun-of and in-over-his-head bureaucrat of the federal government during 2005? Yeah, that guy, the former head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA). And now he is a consultant, helping local governments plan for -- yup, you guessed it -- disasters.

       Now if ol' Michael can get a $100,000-plus a year job as a consultant, surely I can. Why can't I consult? Surely there is something I could share with others of the common-man ilk to help make their lives better.

    Maybe I could offer a session I would call Dealing with Brokeback Blowback. This would deal, of course, with all of the harangue surrounding a certain movie and certain peoplesÕ reaction to it. The objective of the sessions would be to let people know it is OK not to see this movie. Take a deep breath -- it really will be OK if you have no interest in seeing this movie. Yes, Hollywood will make fun of you and belittle those who are "too little-minded" to see it. But we'll make sure you know that all those awards are given by a tight group of friends; that you can ignore the insinuations that if you don't want to see this movie "you're not comfortable with your own sexuality."

        This is the latest catch phrase of those pushing their idea of sexuality and money, you may have noticed. Somehow if you don't want to see cowboys frolicking in a watering hole together or jumping in a sleeping bag to stay warm, well, something's wrong with you, something askew with your comfort level, with your sexuality, not theirs. Did you see "Fantastic Four?" Of course not. Did someone accuse you of being uncomfortable with your own feelings of invisibility or having insecurity about turning into a flame? There will be lots more brouhaha about "Brokeback." Be prepared -- it will likely win the Oscar.

        So what? You ignored "Chicago" and kept your self-esteem intact -- we'll make sure you can handle all the "Brokeback" crap, too.

       Besides. It's only Heath Ledger and some kid named Gyllenhaal, for heck sakes. If it had been Sean Connery or Tom Selleck, now, that would have put me into therapy, too.

       Maybe I could offer consult sessions on how it is OK to hate this war and still appreciate and honor the troops. The two really can be independent thoughts. For some, these sessions will be easing them away from the thought that there ever were weapons of mass destruction. Easy now. Breathe deep. Hans Blix really did know what he was talking about. We might discuss how patience and a well-placed cyanide capsule could have saved a lot of lives and kept the United States' image worldwide more palatable. I could consult on the idea that you are not a bad member of the church if you don't get caught up in the effort to mix patriotism and testimony and the war and all that into one odd Sunday pot.

   I could consult -- and we could commiserate together -- about Howard Stern and his recent $100 million contract to do a radio "show." Yes, the same Howard Stern that describes young women for his listening audience as they strip, and has piano players that play tunes using their personal parts -- that Howard Stern, and, yes, I did say $100 million. We will together reach the bottom line that it is tough to hear someone use the First Amendment as a shield to hide behind ‹ because we love it so -- and will chalk it all up as being just one step closer to Sodom. Maybe weÕll start an advent calendar of sorts, if you know what I mean.

   I would be happy to consult Utah educators, reminding them we have to do something to help the Hispanic population. We have to require that English as a Second Lanuage teachers at least be able to speak a second language, for crying out loud. We need to require that university graduates in secondary and elementary education in Utah speak Spanish. We need to realize that the high number of Hispanic girls that are entering the system at Grade 7 are not leaving at Grade 12. Far, far too many are leaving the education system to be cared for by the welfare system, as they have children in their teens.

    We are now into our second and third generation of immigrant families in Utah and higher education is still not a valid or worthwhile goal for most Hispanics. Most just don't get why it is a big deal. Nothing will change until this growing segment of our popular realizes it is a big deal. Who's telling them?

   I would like to offer consultation sessions on how to get off of caffeine. For a price, weÕll discuss the cold turkey method, the "substitution" method (I suggest V-8 and lots of Excedrine as an alternative choice during the weaning period) and the one-mug-less-per-day approach.

I will be offering these sessions as soon as I actually do it myself. I'd hate to be thought of as a loser, you know, like Michael Brown.