Mixed in with all the wars and rumors of wars this past month was a fascinating little news item from Poland. Nineteen years after being injured in a railway yard which resulted in his falling into a coma, a 65-year-old man woke up. He reportedly was surprised about the fall of Communism, cell phones and "how beautiful everything is."
There are some sources that now claim he was only in a coma for four years and wheelchair-found for the rest of the time, his wife and family exaggerating the whole scenario. Who knows? It was Poland, after all. Maybe four years there feels like 19.
More precisely documented was an Arkansas man, who, in 2003 woke up from a coma — also 19 years, oddly enough. Injured in a car accident, 39-year-old Terry Wallis' first words were: "Mom, Pepsi." Here's a man with this priorities straight.
Comas are kind of a mystery, aren't they? Some who wake up claim vague recollections of what went on. Others were totally blank. We don't quite know where coma patients go when they aren't here. There is a coma prayer list on the Web and one person has been comatose for 29 years, the family still hoping for a miracle.
Nineteen years. That's almost Rip Van Winkle-like. What would we pick out as the the biggest changes in 19 years if we awoke after falling into a coma tonight? Here's what I think the world will be like when I wake up and ask for a cold soda pop in 19 years.
Voters are so pleased with Fred Thompson, after his two successful terms as president, that electing actors has become the norm. First Ronald Reagan, then Thompson, and in 2026, the Geico caveman will be completing his second term in office. Mitt Romney is vice president, now a lifetime position given to him after saving the 2016 Chicago Summer Olympics from financial ruin, even though the entire state of Tennessee still doesn't think he is Christian.
I will have missed 19 Super Bowls (the date for which is now a national holiday), 18 of which were so boring as to induce comas in some others.
With the exception of local news programming, television is now 100 percent "reality" TV. Every third person in the nation has been on television for one of these shows. Even comatose people, such as myself, were featured for 12 weeks on a reality show called "American Idle." The local news is still about 35 minutes in length, but now the talking torsos only constantly refer you to their web site and plays 28 consecutive car commercials. Not much change, really.
There are only 11 people left in the United States who smoke. All others have been shamed into stopping. However, there are millions of people hooked on Nicotine gum and they cannot chew it within 25 feel of any public building.
Men's disposable razors will now have 16 blades. Everyone in the state of Utah will belong to one huge Amway pyramid and only one guy in Orem will be making any money from it.
Professional hot dog eaters have gone by the wayside -- most of them dying of what was called "preservative poisoning," but there are now yearly competitions to see who can eat the most celery.
Google now owns all three major broadcasting networks, four major news magazines and the New York Stock Exchange. NASA is considering a bid by Google to rename Earth to "Google Earth." Google is not limited to just giving us a satellite picture of our housetop, you see, but with Google Family Room you can see into people's homes and Google Fridge allows you to see what's for supper before you leave the office. One Congressman is promising legislation to block the release of Google Shower.
The movies "Green Mile," "Shawshank Redemption" and "Braveheart" are still playing every weekend on TNT-Google. The top movie in the nation's theaters is "Oceans 15."
Road construction on I-15 will be ongoing.
Real Salt Lake will still be looking for their first winning season. They will also still be looking to break even. Some will vaguely remember that two studies back in 2006 and 2007 showed that the RSL complex would never make money, but, gosh, nobody can remember that far back.
Dick Nourse will finally retire. A child in Seattle will actually be born with iPod ear buds in her ears. Rocky Anderson will die of a heart attack while marching with a hand-written sign during his 10-year-long one-man protest of the Sky Bridge over Main Street in Salt Lake City. Several dozen people walking across the popular bridge see him fall to the ground, but just assumed it was another of his ongoing efforts to get Del Loy Hansen in trouble.
Cell phones will be used to unlock cars, activate vending machines, provide keyless entry into homes, watch movies, buy and sell stock, listen to music, keep calendars, have a taser option, calculate trigonometry problems, project holographic images of those receiving phone calls and to give GPS information on anyone in the world at any time. But they still won't work in Franklin County, Idaho.
Even though a PG or G-rated movie has not been made in six years, Hollywood directors will still maintain the rising sexual activity rate of teens and preteens and the increase in school violence has nothing to do with them.
Schools no longer teach "handwriting." Instead, most elementary students can text 55 words a minute by the third grade.
And road construction on I-15 will be ongoing. Gee, it's 2026. Where's my personal jet pack?
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