Advice for the soon-to-be-married

May 04


I got fitted for a tuxedo last week. No, it’s not for my funeral, funny bones. It’s soon to be June and that can only mean one thing: a wedding. June is still far and away the most popular month for weddings in Utah -- and the nation -- with September lagging in second place. This June will be an especially important wedding time in our family, as my oldest son is tying the knot.

We’re happy. He’s happy. Weddings are generally happy times.

I would like to take more credit for my son making it so ably into his 27th year. But from my perspective, he was 4 and the next day he was 14. Except for teaching him the correct and proper way to eat an Oreo cookie and gaining a deep appreciation for puns, he garnered precious little from me. But I’m going to make up for it now. As he embarks on this new adventure, I would like to offer the following suggestions to him and the thousands of other just-about-to-be-married types approaching June vows.

Write lots of thank you notes, especially to each other. Yes, it's trite, but all those stories you hear about notes in the lunch bucket and under the pillow can really be a fun part of life. These notes will really come to mean a lot to you over time. Write thank you notes to your friends for throwing a party or inviting you over for supper. Write to your relatives and tell them thanks after they drop by to give you a boost. Thank someone with a note for a great talk in church or some other unexpected remembrance. Yes, you'll likely write a lot of thank you notes for gifts received after all this wedding reception business, so take a hint and get in the habit.

Don’t get in a big hurry to get things. Don’t start out with the mentality that you need a 4-by-4 just like everyone else. My dad was 65 years old before he bought a new car. Now, I’m not saying you have to shop at Deseret Industries for socks, but never go into debt to buy “things.” If you must go into debt, do it for ideas -- a business, an education, a home. Understand how interest works. And as the old saying goes, those that don’t know how it works, pay it.

As you begin to build a home together, put lots of things on the wall. Junk up the walls of your apartment. Lots of photos, lots of images that tell who you are and why you are.
Turn off the television. Pull the cable out. Daniel (sorry, got to get personal here), you might remember that you went most of your growing-up years without a TV. You didn't miss it. You won't miss it again if you pull the plug. When little ones arrive, the evenings around the house go fast enough without television stuck in the middle of the equation.

Have lots of music in your home. With the possible exception of that industrial rock that sounds like a Satanic ritual, music is a good thing. Pick some great stuff and have it in the background. Play the piano. Tinker with some other instrument. Start a family band.

When your life begins to extend beyond a beat-up fourplex filled with other newlyweds, begin to look around your new neighborhood. When you pick out your first place to live, also pick out a neighborhood kid who needs a mentor. Be a great big brother and make a difference to someone. Also look around the neighborhood and pick out an older person to befriend and listen to. You might learn something and they might need to have a listening ear.

Take a camera wherever you go. I hope you get a digital camera for a wedding present. Be the guy that always has the camera at the reunions and at the church outings and at the birthday parties. Learn to take candid shots along with all the posed stuff. Then make lots of copies for everyone. It will be the cheapest way you'll ever make friends. And the record you retain will be priceless.

Pick out a sport to enjoy together. It might be a sport you do together or a sport you watch together. But hit the finish line or beat the final buzzer or run out of breath together and it will add years to your life and life to your marriage. Unless it's NASCAR. Or hockey.
Remember Jay's Theory of Marriage Magnification. That is, after marriage , everything is magnified. If your loved one is usually late and it usually bothers you, do you think that will change after marriage? Gals, if your new partner spends an occasional Sunday hunting with the boys, but you overlook it now, remember that after marriage it will be magnified. The hunting will be more often, the boys will be more important and your concern will be increased.

By that same token, good things are also magnified. If you love that little giggle, if you love the way she always says ‘Hello’ or her choice of movies, that, too, will be magnified.
Do you consider this theory to be a negative spin on marriage or a positive one? Your answer may be telling.

Marriage -- and particularly being a parent, as they go hand in hand -- is the great wine press of life. There will be many times you will feel great pressure bearing down; you will feel like a pained grape as juice begins to ooze from your brain and your heart. Will it be good juice or bad juice. Bitter? Sweet?

Was that a negative thing to say about marriage or a positive one? Again, a prospective bride or groom’s answer may be very telling as to whether they are ready for marriage.

Speaking of wine presses, you should see me in this tuxedo.