It was a just a quick one-liner on the radio news the other day: Some improvements had been made on a dementia patch, a slap-on medical patch, not unlike a nicotine patch, to slow down the onset of dementia.
It got me to thinking — yes, those of us with the early signs of dementia can still occasionally think — about what untapped uses might still be out there for patches, officially known as transdermal drug delivery.
The first transdermal patch was approved by the FDA in 1979 for the treatment of motion sickness. Since then pharmaceutical companies have found uses for the drug treatment modality, with nicotine patches (treatment to help smokers quit the habit) being the most prevalent.
Other patches and maladies that are often assisted by a patch include estrogen for menopause issues, nitroglycerin for angina, lidocaine for shingles, drugs for chronic pain and even some deliveries for treatment of Attention Deficit disorders.
The skin is actually a good barrier, though, something designed to prevent things from entering the body. Some medications don't pass through the skin and into the body well. So not everything can utilize a patch-type delivery.
But, hey, what if there were a jerk patch? Something we could slap on rappers that jump up on stage and claim others should not have won an award or for that kid around the block who is convinced the road is made for his skateboard, not your car — you know, things like that.
I suspect someday we will see a true, working obesity patch. Someone will come up with some hunger-deadening drug that can be delivered all day to keep you away from Chuck-a-Rama. Mark my word. It is coming and you would be wise to put a few bucks in that stock, I'm sure. Combined with the vitamin patch, the sugar-nullifying patch and the V-8 vegetable patch, you'll be on the path to good health. It will work because we won't have to make conscious decisions any more. That's got to help.
Road rage patch. This might take years of development, but it would work like this: Any time someone is going more than 10 miles over the speed limit and they still insist on flashing their lights at the car in front of them because their life is more important than anyone else's on the road that day, a shock from the patch would jolt them back to reality and twitch their right food backward a bit.
A vanity patch. This patch would sense the amount of makeup, perfume and jewelry being applied and would force a slowdown when it reaches toxic levels. A close cousin to it would be the "You're not as as important as you think you are" patch, which would be used exclusively in Hollywood and the film-making industry, as well as by those who make more than $100,000 a year but have never owned a lunch bucket, dispensing liberal doses of reality.
A tattoo patch. This patch increases the pain felt by the recipient of the tattoo, perhaps suggesting to their brain that "one more tattoo" is not as good of an idea as one less might be.
An overspending patch. Not sure how it could work, but I could sure use it.
A patch for news junkies. For example, I'm surrounded by supposedly up-to-date individuals — I mean they twitter and tweet and everything — who don't know who the secretary of state is, who couldn't pass the new immigration naturalization test if they had to, who have no idea how to listen to several opposing points of view with the understanding that it is now their responsibility to make the best choice for society. So, being outnumbered, I must be wrong. Those like me who actually think current events have a place in their life might use the news junkie patch to calm themselves down and walk through life with fewer concerns about the future. The patch could also cause numbness in the ears during the local Sunday night television news, thereby avoiding blood pressure issues with the patch wearer, when stories of cats, squirrels and viral videos are actually presented as news, and thereby extending the newscast for a dozen more commercials.
Imagine patches for gambling addiction, pornography addiction and alcohol addiction (some are actually being developed and tested for this), patches that actually worked when people began sliding down slippery slopes of self-control.
Wait a minute, here. Self-control? Who would have thought of that? Will that actually work?
Seems my dementia-slowing patch is still working. I can still muster up a clear thought or two.
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